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Yes, hello I'm Rachel. I read YA and spend my days in a state of perpetual tiredness. Tralalala  

Personal: Recent Feelings/Ideas/Confusion

So I've been toying with the idea of doing an editing course for over a year now and have worked up the courage to make some inquiries about an online course that seems like maybe a step in the right direction.


Main concerns: I'm worried it'll be like my high school days, where I did fuck all homework and work in general, really. I'm worried I won't have enough support, cos it's an online course. I'm worried I'll fail at it. But most of all, I'm worried I'll hate it - cos then what? This is really the only idea I've had in 6+ years of trying to figure out a career path.


You see, I've never had any idea what I wanted to do with my life, and when I was younger, I was always super jealous of people who did. Sure, I had passing fancies, but nothing that I felt truly serious about. That just felt right, you know? It stressed me out big time. And I know now it doesn't matter if you don't have it all figured out by the time you turn 18 (or even by the time you turn 40) but back then, I wanted to. I liked the idea of having a plan. So when high school finished, I convinced myself I wanted to be a massage therapist, completely ignoring the fact that the notion of touching strangers for a living freaked me the fuck out. By the time I found out that I got accepted into a few different courses, I had changed my mind. But rather than outright decline them, (I didn't want to fully acknowledge that I had changed my mind) I instead deferred them and decided to do a gap year and work at my shitty supermarket job. I hadn't decided to travel at that point. All I knew at the time was that I didn't want to be studying and I wasn't going to want to anytime soon. I eventually decided on Europe towards the end of my 'gap year' and then spent the next two years saving for it, falling into a reception job along the way as a means to a) work at Coles less and b) save more money.


Fast forward time and it's now the end of my 6th year out of high school. I haven't studied anything in the past 6 years but now I'm turning to this idea not only cos I'm finally starting to feel ready but because if I continue to work in reception for much longer, I'll probably kill myself.


A lot of the time, it all swirls around in my head, a big jumble of confusion and conflict. Warring with myself cos I know that I'll never get anywhere if I don't TRY. I KNOW that. It's just so hard for me to make the leap. The fact that I did that 2 day intro course on creative writing back in Sept was pretty much a miracle. You would think it may have helped me in that regard, and I think it has a little, but my self-doubt is lodged pretty deep and I guess it's going to take more self-coaxing to get there. I will say though, that I am feeling cautiously optimistic for next year's possibilities in a way I never have previously so that's something, at least... Right?


Anyhoo. What actually inspired this post is that fact that lately, I've felt like I want to try to write something. I've felt this way since I did the creative writing short course, but these past 2 weeks especially, I've been wanting to give it go. Why, you ask? WELL. Sunday/Monday last week, I was listening to You Shook Me All Night Long by ACDC in my car and while I was thinking about the various implications of the song, this scene jumped into my head. Two teenagers having sex for the first time with it playing in the background. That's it. I don't have any character names or storyline or anything like that, only a few ideas and lines that have been bouncing around in my head.


I love it when authors talk about their characters living inside their heads and having conversations with them. I find it all absolutely fascinating. So to experience something like that was pretty thrilling for me.


But - and I know I'm getting waaaaay ahead of myself here - I don't know how writing a book would go for me. I sometimes struggle like you wouldn't believe with writing reviews, hence why I haven't written many. And blog posts. And even this post. This post was so frustrating cos I had so much to say and I couldn't figure out what should go where in terms of structuring it coherently. Even composing tweets can stress me out. I edit myself constantly. I kinda feel like an attempt to write a book would probably kill me. BUT SHUT UP RACHEL, YOU REALLY ARE GETTING WAY TOO AHEAD OF YOURSELF. JESUS.


Anyway, I was pretty excited for a few days after it happened, and then self doubt, my best friend, started creeping in. What if it sucks, what if you can't get anything out beyond that one scene, etc. I've been fighting it off though cos while I've never written anything before, I also know (like with most things) that the only way you can possibly get any good at it is to PRACTICE. Just WRITE. Sit my ass down and start scribbling/typing. I'm on holidays for two weeks at the end of this week and sometime during that period, I'm determined to attempt putting pen to paper (or fingers to laptop keys) and see how I go. Even if nothing happens, at least I will have fucking tried, you know? Maybe even before then, actually. I'm worried everything will go flying right out of my head soon if I don't. 


New Years resolutions are pretty much a joke for me cos I never EVER stick to them, but for 2015, my goal is to stop being so damn afraid of putting myself out there/stepping out of my comfort zone/trying new things. It really is my biggest challenge in life.